Dr. David G. Kelley, a local marriage and family therapy consultant spoke to my clients last week and had something very interesting to say that I thought was worthy of sharing. You see, I hold annual maintenance workshops for my estate planning clients, occasionally inviting guest speakers to lecture on their area of expertise. Dr. Kelley was our most recent guest speaker.

 Dr. Kelley is a retired minister, so his background in helping families dealing with conflict and communication runs deep – some forty years or more. He pointed out that more than fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce in our country, and that of those that get married a second time the failure rate is even higher, at sixty five percent. He informed us that more than 80% of children in the Lee County Public School system live in one parent households.

 I found those statistics astonishing. Maybe it’s because so many of my friends remain married to their first spouse, and most who are raising children do so in a two parent household. Nevertheless, I understand how difficult it must be for a single parent to earn enough to pay the rent, put food on the table, take the kids to their activities and help them with homework. Patti and I, as a tag team working together – work very hard at it. I can’t imagine either one of us going it alone.

 Nevertheless, Dr. Kelley pointed out that for a marriage to work there has to be superb communication. No mystery there for anyone that has been married or is married. Yet, he told the story of sitting in a restaurant and watching a couple silently going over the menu, eating their food and finishing the meal. The whole time, barely a word was spoken between them. He said in his experience the lack of interaction in that every day setting signals trouble.

 At a minimum it shows a disengagement between two people who should be very much engaged in each other’s lives. In order for that not to happen, he suggested that married couples ought to know the five things that husbands and wives want from each other. Not surprisingly, those things are different. He said if we can give our spouse the things that are most important to him or her, then we’ll be able to successfully navigate our relationships – and have healthy interactions throughout our marriage.

 Women want, according to Dr. Kelley – these five things from their spouse: 1. Affection; 2. Meaningful conversation; 3. Honesty and openness. 4. Financial Support and 5. Commitment to the relationship.

 Anecdotally, I asked Patti whether she agreed with those five things. She said that she did. “Remember the other day,” Patti recalled, “when I asked you about what we were going to do about such and such?”

 I told her that I did.

 “Do you remember what you said to me?” She said in a somewhat scolding, yet light hearted tone.

 “No. Not really.” I sheepishly responded.

 “You said, ‘whatever you decide is fine with me’!” Patti said grinning.

 “And that’s a problem because….?” I answered somewhat condescendingly (bad move on my part!).

 “It’s a problem because I didn’t need for you to tell me that! I wanted to have a meaningful conversation with you about the dilemma! I needed to bounce something off of you to see if I was thinking clearly. Wasn’t that Dr. Kelley’s point?”

 Patti was right! My reaction to say whatever she wanted was exactly what she didn’t want. She wanted to discuss the situation, and I essentially brushed her off.

 She then asked me what the 5 things that men want from their wives. Dr. Kelley reports that the five things men want from their wives are:: 1.  Sexual fulfillment; 2. Recreational partner (to do active things – travel, hiking, attending sporting events, etc.) 3. Attractiveness; 4. Domestic support with the home and kids; and 5. Admiration.

While I would suggest the list appears, on its face at least, somewhat chauvinistic and shallow – I would say that as a man married for twenty years I would agree that the list is pretty much on point. At least it is from this man’s perspective.

 I admit that men can be shallow. We need to feel loved and admired. Dr. Kelley said it’s hard wired into our brains. Whatever the reason, when a wife understands what her husband’s needs are, and a husband understands what his wife’s needs are, it would seem that it would be that much easier to have a happier, more fulfilling life.

 And isn’t that what it’s all about, anyway?

 ©2010 Craig R. Hersch