We all know the government taxes everything that it can – and even imposes additional taxes on those indulgences that aren’t good for us. Common examples of such taxes – known as “sin taxes” are the Mafioso-style usurious tariffs on cigarettes and alcohol.

The government searches for more and more revenue given the state of our current economic climate.  So I thought that I might suggest (tongue in cheek, mind you) several other sin taxes that, as far as I know, haven’t been imposed…yet.

Over Procreation Tax – The biblical adage to “be fruitful and multiply” can be taken too far. Case in point – the Duggar family (those of 19 kids or is it 21?) who lead me to wonder – when in the world is Michelle Duggar finally going to go through menopause? Or another question – how in the world can one couple give the requisite love and attention to that many kids? So to discourage such behavior I suggest the imposition of an “Over Procreation Tax.” For each child over four – starting with the fifth child a couple has – the government imposes an annual tax equal to the cost of that child’s public education – currently around $6,500 annually.  (Disclosure – this columnist has three children! In true Congressional form – set oneself outside the boundaries of any new tax that one suggests…)

Crying Baby in Restaurant Tax – For those parents who don’t get the idea to remove their lovely bundle of joy from the restaurant within five minutes of it hitting 140 decibels (equal to the sound of a jet engine taking off) a tax equal to the cost of all other restaurant patrons’ meals is imposed. This is similar to the age old golfer requirement that whoever hits a hole-in-one must buy a round of drinks for everyone in the bar – but without the joy of accomplishment.

Speedo/Waist Ratio Tax – While Europeans might be disproportionately affected – I suggest a tax be imposed equal to $500 for every inch a man’s waist exceeds his Speedo swimsuit’s waist size. Proceeds used to supply those men with a government paid gym membership and board shorts swimwear of proper size.

Tattoo/Tooth Ratio Tax – If the ratio on any one person of tattoos to teeth exceeds 1:1 then a tax equal to the amount of laser tattoo removal surgery is imposed. The tax is imposed at the time the tattoo is applied, but the funds from the tax are then invested until the tattoo becomes an unrecognizable dark blue blob – at which time the government pays for its removal. Additional amounts may be imposed for proper dentures.

Thump Thump Thump Tax – Police would be encouraged to pull over and ticket those annoying drivers who blast their car stereos to the point that all nearby vehicles rattle to the bass beat.  Fines of $500 per incident should quiet the roads a bit.

TMI Facebook Tax – For those who post their every move on Facebook – I suggest a “Too Much Information” Tax equal to $1 per post multiplied by that person’s number of Facebook “friends”. For some – many of whom friend everyone from all of their former third grade classmates to the waiter who served them at Perkins last Sunday morning – that could amount to thousands of dollars per day.

Too Long at Checkout Line Tax – This tax will be levied on those men and women who wait until after the clerk rings up ALL of the groceries before they realize that they actually have to pay – and only THEN do they begin to take out their checkbook (and who pays by check anymore?!). These people usually have unusually long names such as Mary Joyce Simpson McGuillicuddy – which they take great pride in signing neatly and clearly  – and oh so very slowly – in perfect Palmer Method cursive.

Gullibility Tax – Speaking of grocery store checkout lines – a Gullibility Tax should be imposed on all of those checkout line “newspapers” such as the Enquirer and Globe – proportionately related to the number of times the words “Elvis” “Alien” “Abduction” and “Baby” appear in print.

©2019 Craig R. Hersch. Originally published in the Sanibel Island Sun.